November 4, 2011 in Blog, Media by admin

Newstalk interview on The Tom Dunne Show with Widow.ie

Thursday the 3rd November 2011 I was tasked with doing a radio interview on The Tom Dunne Show over at Newstalk about our website Widow.ie. It was thanks to one of our members who had recently been interviewed about a different subject and had proposed to Newstalk for us to get in touch. Correspondence flowed and we organised the date to fit around the school mid-term Halloween holiday.

Having left my six year old daughter with my sister-in-law the evening before; at 8am Thursday morning I left for the long journey to Dublin by car. As I travelled my thoughts were of Peter and what he would have said to my being interviewed on a national radio station by Tom Dunne no less. Am sure he would have approved. Its times like these I wish it wasn’t a bereavement support website for widowed people but something else, anything else, even a knitting club would do but alas, its because I’m widowed I’m travelling to Dublin.

Newstalk Newsroom Floor

Arriving at the station early I was guided to the waiting area which had a view of all the Newstalk staff in the open-plan office, it was interesting to watch their busyness and the people who floated by. I was offered a coffee which I gladly accepted; I needed a shot of caffeine after that long road just travelled. At one stage two giggling young ladies arrived at the waiting area dressed in what looked like bright blue leather catsuits, (yes you heard me) and they were guided by their chaperone, maybe he was more of a protector, or bodyguard, I’m thinking now he could have been their brother! The giggling was infectious and I wasn’t the only one amazed at the unusual attire. I suspect they were there to promote a product and it wasn’t long before they were on their way to a waiting studio. The comic relief was very much welcomed as it helped me to relax in an unfamiliar environment.

I must admit to being very nervous but the Newstalk team were very welcoming and put me at ease. Many of you will remember Tom Dunne from his days with the very successful Irish band Something Happens; they had many a hit song and one that comes to mind is Take a Parachute and Jump. The time arrived to be interviewed and a lady arrived to show me the way, all the while I’m hoping I won’t stumble my words and widows fog won’t take hold. For those of you unfamiliar with the term ‘widows fog‘, this refers to the ability to look like your listening to questions but not hearing a thing; you are actually remembering someone very close to your heart.

Colette Byrne (Widow.ie) and Tom Dunne Newstalk

Led into the studio I met Tom Dunne for the first time, he stood up with a kind welcome and we shock hands. The advertisements were running as I sat at the desk and the two of us chatted for a little bit. Tom Dunne is a gentleman and his relaxed nature helped greatly to put me at ease, much to my relief. The studio is comfortable and where I sat, to my right was the window for the producers of the show to watch through while they worked all those gadgets. Then the countdown began…

‘Oh Christ!’ I thought, and then we went live to the nation.

I didn’t get home until near eight that evening, first item on the agenda was to telephone my little girl to see how she was getting on. I was missing her little ways around the now quiet house and was looking forward to hearing her voice. She informed me with glee of the tooth she had lost that day. This was her third tooth to loose and the first from the top; the tooth had been holding out for several weeks and an apple that had hung from a string on Halloween night gave the tooth a blow it wouldn’t recover from. Again I thought of Peter, another milestone he was missing.

It wasn’t until later that I finally got to log into the Widow.ie Forum to greet several new members who, as a result of the Newstalk interview had found their way to us; “the forum no one wants to join but for those who need it, are glad they did.”

Many thanks to the Tom Dunne Show and the Team at Newstalk.

March 16, 2011 in Blog, Book Reviews by admin

Gordan goes to Greenieland

I was contacted by the author and illustrator Morag Kelly of ‘Gordan goes to Greenieland’ and she kindly forwarded a copy of her lovely book for review. The book, Gordan goes to Greenieland is 100% Irish made and aimed at children aged 5+.

She tells me even though her intention when writing wasn’t to aim the book towards bereavement groups, the book nonetheless received positive attention from Barnardos, the Irish Hospice Foundation and the Limerick Children’s Grief Project who are all now using it as part of their services.

In summary:
Gordon is seven years old and loves to garden with his Granddad. Granddad reaches the autumn of his years and wants Gordon to keep his garden alive. He assures Gordon that if he ever feels sad or lonely to think about him really hard and feel the magic. This is where the story unfolds, after Granddad has passed away Gordon finds a plant left to him by Granddad, he plants it and ends up in Greenieland. Here Gordon meets Greenie who knows all there is to know about nature and they have a wonderful adventure.

Kate’s and my View:
When the book arrived I let Kate (5 years) open the package and she was immediately enthralled by its pictures, studying each one and flicking from the front to the back. Then strolling into the sitting room while still studying the artwork she sat down and started to read as far as she could for her five years. I sat with her and assisted with the words she didn’t yet know.

Even though the story deals with the passing of Gordon’s Granddad, Kate loved the story. As I read with her she also studied the pictures that aided the story telling. The colour pictures themselves were conversation starters and helped explain what was happening. The font and text size is appropriate for her age as she is learning to read.

Even though the story deals with the passing of a loved one, overall it was not a sad book and ended on a positive note. I see that this book could be used as a tool to coax a child’s thoughts on death and help start a conversation that may otherwise be difficult to initiate. This is one that I would recommend based on Kate’s reaction. Incidentally she asked me to read it again to her that night before going to bed and as a result I have added it to our Children’s book list.

Our Book list can be found HERE
(Categories are on the top right)

Website: www.greenieland.ie
Facebook: www.facebook.com/greenieland

February 22, 2010 in Blog, Book Reviews by Widow.ie

Helping Children Cope with Grief – Rosemary Wells

When my husband passed away suddenly in a traffic accident, I was faced with the terrible task of telling our three year old daughter.

But how do you tell a three year old? Would she even understand what I was saying, what do I say and how much of the truth do I tell her. I had no clue and even wondered if young children grieve for a parent. I was struggling with my own grief and needed advice on what to do, say and what to expect as time moved on without Daddy coming home.

Eventually I found a book shop at Knock, Co Mayo and searched through all the different categories, eventually stumbling across this title.

It helped me to understand that even though our daughter was only three, she would also grieve. It helped me understand the importance of telling her the truth in a manner she would understand. I leaned the importance of letting her cry and that she will ask the same questions over and over. I was afraid of doing or saying something wrong that may effect her in later life.

In early widowhood its very hard to sit and read a book to the end and I found it hard to read this book too. But I always found myself coming back to it for snippets of advice that I feel have really helped. Its one of the few books that still, nearly seventeen months later, sit on my desk ready for the next evening I feel able to glean from its advice.

The writer Rosemary Wells grew up in Scotland and England, and settled in Africa where she married. On returning to England, she was widowed and left with three children. She is a former teacher, and still enjoys teaching writers’ workshops, but is now a freelance writer. She is the author of many other Children’s support titles.

February 13, 2010 in Blog, Book Reviews by Bernie

GRIEVING VALENTINE

Valentine’s Day. Celebration of Love. Pictures of Cupid flying above. Valentine’s Day. Your loss more immense. Heartache increased. Pain more intense. Valentine’s Day. Remembering you. There’s no place for singles when everyone’s two.

For many people, Valentine’s Day is yet another of those annual events when consciousness of being alone in a world of couples is heightened. Phychological research shows that the confluence of commercial forces, societal norms and personal pressure to participate in St. Valentine’s Day all contribute to stress surrounding the Westernised celebration of the day.

This is not surprising. Valentine’s Day is the day when romantic love is privileged. Therefore, all those whose relationships have ended, who have broken up with boyfriends or girlfriends, who are single, who are separated, divorced or bereaved, feel the singularity of their situation on this day. It is a busy day for the Samaritans because the depths of loneliness, of difference, of exclusion, of feeling unloved, unwanted and unattached, are confronted by many on Valentine’s Day.

Valentine’s Day is a day when the death of a spouse, particularly if the death has taken place in the past year, is felt even more acutely. An aching loneliness lies in knowing that there is nobody from whom a Valentine’s card with loving messages will be received. It is a time when the display of cards, “Happy Valentine to My Loving Wife” of Valentine’s Wishes to My Darling Husband”, are excruciating reminders of a world of loving that has ended. It is a time when the finality, the lived reality of the death of a person one loved is once more confronted.

There will be no florist at the door, no surprise present, no mobile message, no restaurant booking, no clink of champagne glasses, no shared bottle of wine, nowhere special to go, no one special to go with, on this day dedicated to togetherness.

There will be memories of past times. Of other Valentine’s Days, when being a couple was taken for granted and, like many losses, unappreciated until it ended. There may be guilt, because guilt stalks lovers and mourners, finding the minutiae with which to torture the bereaved, to berate them unfairly, on special days and especially on Valentine’s Day.

Guilt finds the moment of carelessness in a lifetime of devotion, the one request refused in the generosity of giving, the minute of anger in a marriage that was a loving partnership. This is why people often have regret at what now seems like neglect when romance was ridiculed, a gift not given, love not romantically conveyed, when a Valentine’s Day in the past was allowed to pass uncelebrated. Guilt forgets that one single day does not define a relationship; that love is not always articulated in conventional ways. Guilt forgets that couples have their own way of celebrating Valentine’s Day some subscribing to its commercialism, its excuse for celebration and romantic expression, while others participate in a perfunctory way.

But when one is alone, celebratory events can take on new meaning. On Valentine’s Day, therefore, for those who have lost a partner there may be loneliness, stark and sharp, sadness at the amputation of the future that was planned together but that now must be undertaken alone. There may be envy of others who are unconscious of their privilege, casual in their coupledom, unaware of the awkwardness of being alone on a day that celebrates having a special “other” in one’s life.

For some there will be consciousness that the relationship with the person who died was not perfect, sadness that what might have been was not and now cannot be; that death has denied the hoped for difference; that disappointment is concretised by death.

For others whose marriage seemed perfect, the light of its perfection may overshadow the possibility of ever finding happiness in life again. Or so it may seem on Valentine’s Day.

Grief is relentless. It finds ways of reminding, admonishing and ruminating. It is seldom predictable. While universal in pattern, it is personal in its particularity As poet Emily Dickinson wrote, “I measure every grief I meet with narrow probing eyes. I wonder if it weighs like mine or has an easier size”. This is because grief is immeasurable, complicated, complex and incomparable. It is our surest sign of our capacity to love.

Grief on Valentine’s Day is, paradoxically, the ultimate marker of love. For Cupid’s arrow does not just pierce to attract, but to attach. If pierces most deeply those who love most profoundly. Grief for another is the ultimate marker of love of that other. It anoints with remembrance. It embraces with regret. It enfolds the person who was loved in loving recollection.

And therefore, while one may be alone on Valentine’s Day, that aloneness is a special kind of loving not accessible to those who have not passed through the mire of mourning which is the ultimate expression of love. Those who mourn are blessed, for they know they have the capacity to love.

The above is an extract from the book “Living Our Times” by Marie Murray,Clinical Physchologist and shared by kind permission of the Author, Marie Murray and her publishers (permission granted 12/2/2010 – Patricia Hannon,for Gill and Macmillan Ltd ) & Eoin McVey of the Irish Times granted permission to use that article.

Thank you Marie Murry for kindly permitting Widow.ie to use this piece.

January 23, 2010 in Blog, In Memory by Bernie

YESTERDAYS WIFE – TODAYS WIDOW.

Yesterday I was a wife. Today I am a widow. Yesterday I had a life. Today I do not know what I have, where I am, or who I am. I do normal stuff. I do not cry. I get up and behave quiet as I always do. I wash, dress, make our bed, it is less disturbed than usual. The pillows on my side bear the imprint of my head but the other pillows are fat and plump.

Down stairs I boil the kettle, take down two cups and put the teabags into them – make the tea and bring it to the table. I sit in my chair and stare. I stare at the nothingness before me. My neighbour calls in and sits in the empty chair. He called in last week and discussed his new purchase with my husband Tony, a new vehicle. My husband wished him well with it. A customer of mine poked her head into the kitchen “are you measuring him up Tommy” – the two men laugh, I laugh, Josephine laughs. Tommy is an undertaker, its his job and he does it well.

How could any of us have known that Tony and Tommy would journey together in the new black hearse, one in the front, one in the back. My neighbour has tears in his eyes. Like all good neighbours he is here to make my life easy today. He drinks the tea I made for my husband. Habits of twenty five years are not going to stop in sixteen hours, the first of my widow-hood. My daughter, young and pretty, joins us in the kitchen. She will go to Dublin with Tommy to bring her Dad home to us. She will pick clothes to dress him for the journey and a coffin to shield his lifeless body from the curious. This slip of a girl on the edge of womanhood takes on the adult role as I exist in numbness.

People gather, a small army of helpers, clean, polish, make ready. Comfort, cook, comfort. Fill our home with flowers and food. First women I greet at my front door are widows – I see them through widows eyes – they know how I will feel when the numbness wears off. I thankfully do not.

November 30, 2009 in Blog, Resources by admin

DR. Helen Greally, Clinical Psychologist offers advice

DR. Helen Greally, Clinical Psychologist offers advice on coping with grief after the loss of a partner or spouse. Published by the Irish Hospice Foundation. Part of the Bereavement support video series.

October 15, 2009 in Blog, Resources by admin

Financial issues in Widowhood

In an attempt to ease the burden I have gathered together some important page links to Revenue, Welfare and Citizens Information.

If you are suffering financial difficulties MABS have written an article about the free advice they can offer. It would be wise to contact one of their offices and remember, its a free confidential service.

Citizens information provide a wealth of information and can point you in the direction of various services and financial supports that are available. Due to the wealth of information available in the Citizens information web-site I’ve provided a link to their ‘bereavement’ section as a starting point.

“There are many aspects to widowhood and at some stage, financial issues have to be addressed.”

Welfare not only provide the widow(er)s pension, free travel, fuel & telephone allowance but also a grant towards the cost of the funeral. If you have young children, at time of writing there is a once off grant of €6,000. With a number of other benefits to numerous to mention and each having various qualifying procedures, it is worth studying their web-site.

www.Welfare.ie

www.Revenue.ie

www.CitizensInformation.ie

www.Mabs.ie

In relation to TAX, revenue also provide assistance via Tax Credits, its best to view the list of items available. Revenue advises that you contact your local Revenue office and inform them of your situation, they will advise you what next to do.

Its would be wise also to contact to your solicitor for assistance with various matters.

Respectfully yours,

Widow.ie                                                                             15th October 2009

October 6, 2009 in Blog, Book Reviews by sue

Last Will & Testament of a Lover by Clifford Ellis

I found this book in the first few weeks after my husband’s death when I still could not even say the word death. I felt desperate to make myself acknowledge the reality of his dying inspite of the fact that the funeral was over. The sympathy cards had stopped, the phone calls and visits from friends had slackened and I felt so alone in my feelings. I scanned through several books in the bookstore but they all seemed too glib, too simplified, as if this process of grief would be easy.

As I started to leave the bookstore, my eyes fell on the “Last Will and Testament of a Lover by Robert Ellis.” Intrigued by the title, I picked it up and leafed through the contents page, amazed at how many chapter titles echoed my own thoughts.

Though my husband had been ill for some time, I was totally unprepared for the intensity of my emotions after he passed away. I did not realize that grieving my husband would make me feel physical as well as emotional pain.

I had wanted to give him a “perfect funeral, a perfect memorial, a perfect eulogy”, if there could be such a thing. I poured myself into writing thank you cards trying to express how much he was loved, knowing that people in our own circle of family and friends would soon forget yet scared that they would.

But as I read this book, I realized, as Robert Ellis wrote, that “the funeral and all the other ceremonies are parting gifts for you, the living”. Being a firm believer in an afterlife, this book confronted and reaffirmed my own belief at a time when I had difficulty making it feel personal. After reading it, I felt that my husband was now ok, and that his life had evolved into what he was born to be. I felt that his will would truly be for me to now become who I was destined to be from this point on until we meet again one day.

I cannot say the book was an easy read, it was gut wrenching at times and I was forced to confront feelings I wanted to run from. I cannot say I have arrived at an acceptance of my own destiny without my husband of forty years. But I can say, that after reading this book, I felt as if I had been left a tangible gift of love willed to me forever.

As I turned the last page, I could almost hear my husband’s words to me, encouraging me as he had done throughout our entire marriage, ” babe, you will be ok, and I will see you soon.”

I wept through the pages of this book, only to cry even more when I read the epilogue.  I was amazed at the insight of the author and his ability to portray the love between a husband and wife.

October 5, 2009 in Blog, Book Reviews by Bernie

Grieving – A Beginners Guide by Jerusha Hull McCormack

When i was widowed in 2006 my sister came across this book in the library. The author had been a Senior Lecturer in University College Dublin, already a published author and widowed suddenly mid-life. The book chronicles her grief journey for the benefit of others. Her opening line “Chances are if you are reading this, your heart is broken” invites the reader to follow her voyage of discovery from a similar beginning.

Very early in the book Jerusha states “we are all amateurs at grief”. She describes becoming marginalized, feelings of loneliness, fear, sadness, chaos and the loss of self, but she also shares the journey of self discovery, of meaningful new values and all the positive things that are born of grieving. “Grief expressed openly and honestly can be one of the most liberating experiences of life”.

From the initial shocking numbness, into the acute pain she logs ways to sustain well being. She advises “trust that the pain will be bearable”. She states grief does not have a script, it is not one emotion but many. It also has the capacity to ambush you at any time. Attended to in a positive manner it “does not impoverish; it enriches” Jerusha boldly tackles the “secondhand lines” directed at the grief stricken by the well meaning but uninformed and dismantles them encouraging the bereft to do the same.

The book is honest, it does not hide the awfulness of grief. “Social isolation is inevitable” and “one of the most valuable things the grieving can do is to learn to live with a certain degree of loneliness. It is painful”. Throughout the book there are poems and quotations, words of wisdom and encouragement. It is the kind of book to return to again and again, with every reading its guidance grows. It is a thoughtfull book to pass on to a friend experiencing grief, a book full of feeling and solace, a book to take on a similar journey.

September 18, 2009 in Blog, Book Reviews by Widow.ie

Elizabeth Turner – The Blue Skies of Autumn

September 11th 2001. For Elizabeth Turner its more than a tragic event on the other side of the world, it’s the day her life changed forever. Her husband Simon and father to their then unborn son William was in the World Trade Centre and sadly lost his life when the towers collapsed.

Elizabeth & William Turner

In her first book about that terrible day, Elizabeth recounts the initial moments, hours and days as she finally understands her husband will not be coming home and will never see his unborn son. Elizabeth brings us on her journey as she grieves her husband, became a mother and eventually learns to live life again.

It’s a very honest account of her journey that will resonate with other widows and widowers as they read. Elizabeth speaks of the tremendous feeling of loss and is very forthcoming about her questions of the afterlife, the replies she received from speaking with friends and from within her own self. Questions I know, many of us have asked and its somehow reassuring to read we are not alone in our questioning.